Why I Am a Hypocrite?

I was born and raised in an atheist culture. So, I had no idea about faith, belief, and religion in any form or shape. Then in my late teen years, I became Muslim by reading. There were books that claimed that Islam was beautiful and balanced, that early Muslims were just and pious, that Quran has the principles that promise and produce positive individual and societal transformations. So, I became Muslim by believing in the theory described in those books. Also, I was a part of the group that is named on this blog as “The Cemaat.” I met many nice and bright individuals during that time.

The positives that I experienced during the time with “The Cemaat” were establishing the basic tenets of belief, acquaintance with the Islamic culture, and mainly positive life experiences. The negatives that I experienced were witnessing the unholy marriage, willful adultery, insidious fornication, and obvious rape of religion by politics, and subsequent birth of a bastard named “political Islam.” This means using religion as a tool of politics and manipulating the feelings of believers for political benefits.

What I understood from these positive and negative experiences is that I need, expect and demand the irrevocable, irreversible, and permanent divorce and separation of religion and politics. I do not want any politicians and parties, any pseudo-religious quasi-leaders to meddle in my belief. I want to be left alone with my God. I do not want any interference from anyone in the matters of my faith. I want religion to return to the home of the heart of the individual instead of being the toy in the hands of the political pimps and religious touts.

My greatest mistake was waiting. I waited for someone to come and teach me my faith. This waiting wasted thirteen years of my life. For the thirteen years, I was in the intellectual sleep and cognitive coma; I was not writing, thinking, and asking. Then, by the grace of God, I started reading the meaning of the Glorious Quran. While reading it, I came to the conclusion that I did not have the kind of belief described in the Quran. This means I was not a believer yet, and that placed me in the category of hypocrites. So, now I am the hypocrite who knows he is the hypocrite. Before, I was the hypocrite who did not know he was the hypocrite, who was mistakenly thinking he was a believer.

I want to see myself in this way because belief is a continuous spectrum. On one end of the spectrum, there are hypocrites, nihilists, atheists, polytheists, and on the other end of the spectrum, there are believers who have different degrees and various levels of belief. And during the course of life, many persons oscillate and travel from one end of the spectrum to another.

For me, belief is not an event, belief is not an inheritance of cultural and historical origin, but belief is a process in the same way a human being is a process. I placed myself at the lowest end of the spectrum and at the beginning of the process. Now I am a hypocrite, and by utilizing reading-writing-thinking, I am going to travel upwards in the spectrum of belief. I am going to apply the utmost effort and tell myself the words of Shuayb from 11:88: “What I seek is only to set things right so far as I am able. My success in my task depends on God alone. In Him have I put my trust, and to Him do I always turn with all my heart.”

My journey in the spectrum of belief consists of four stages. The first stage is hypocrisy, which is my current state. It is described in 9:101. The second state is mixing good and bad deeds, mentioned in 9:102. The third level is rising to the inclusion in the Prophet’s prayer in 9:103. And the fourth stage is acceptance of repentance by Tawwāb (“the One who accepts repentance and returns it with liberal forgiveness and additional reward”3) in 9:104.

These four stages are the master plan of my life. If I am unable to rise from 9:101 to 9:102 throughout my whole life, then it is ok. I believe not in my effort, but I believe in His grace. I doubt my belief, and I am going to doubt it throughout my life. So, in some sense, it might be thought of as an application of the scientific method to the matter of faith: my belief is the testable and refutable hypothesis, and I am going to test it by doing controllable and measurable experiments, thus refining and elaborating it.

Belief is the connection between God and me, and I always have to be aware of its presence, absence, weakness, and strength. I am the hypocrite, and I know I am the hypocrite. The awareness of my hypocrisy is the best gift that God ever gave to me. Let Him grant me belief at the moment of my death. Let my journey of hypocrisy end at the destination of belief.

2:111 … Say: “Produce your proof if you are truthful!” 4

25:30. And the Messenger says: “My Lord! Surely my people have made this Qur’an something worthy of no attention.” 5

-İman isteyen münafık